have you found it yet?

a poem

cw: suicide


to think just 
4000 hours ago
your lungs operated with
optimal functionality

and it sounds like a lot until
i remember a week is 168 and
it’s january now and i swear
it’s really june

we had the old couch then and
the weird orange lights
and your voice  just
a tap away

you
the comic books and daisies and
those hello kitty reaction images

i thought that was goodbye
that time and then you woke
in some hospital with
the white lights

and i would have said it
that word  again and again
would it have kept
you here but

whether a jump rope or 
your mother’s pill bottles  or
that knife from that drawer you 
slipped into a pant pocket

somehow it worked

and i still think of
things to ask you like

remember the Thing 
all our eyes red and jarred as if
forever locked wide open
in searching

…


have you found it yet?