28 - dreams & teeth & vapour

may diary entries

2nd may 2025

spent today sitting on the porch, taking paracetamol, listening to music and searching up dealers in nearby cities. i want ketamine and ritalin, and vape. i think i really need some ketamine and ritalin and a vape. my head feels like it is about to explode and just standing up feels like getting off an intense carousel ride when the world keeps spinning despite you standing still, like everything is closing in on you, like the world is going black. i am always so scared of saying how bad things are or how bad i feel or just what i feel at all. like that makes it real and then i have to deal with it. or like that makes it mine and that means it’s my fault, or it’s mine and that means i must have made it all up. i don’t know.

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4th may 2025

i feel better today but my head still hurts. i thought maybe i’d left sick in 2024 or january or february or march or april but i guess not. i feel lightheaded and far-away and sad and my dad raising his voice at my brothers is making my heart hurt too. neighbour girl is posting clips of her and her best friend in the city on her story. she is waving her vape in front of the camera and best friend is talking about how the dealer guy said goodbye and then they just left. neighbour girl and her best friend are very close. sometimes i feel jealous. i’d like to be her favourite person. why am i not as important to her as her best friend. why am i not her best friend. why am i not her girlfriend. it’s stupid and childish i know. i got us tickets to an amusement park. just us, 29th may.

i’m wearing these cute cat socks my mom bought me at a store in oslo. i just made oatmeal for supper. there is only one correct way to make oatmeal and that is in a pot on the stove, 1/3 oats, water and plant milk, some salt, stirring until it boils and thickens, top with sugar and cinnamon and raisins. i ate it in my favourite of my five porcelain moomintroll bowls. it is purple and on one side shows rich moomin lady sitting in a pile of expensive things and makeup and bags and on the other side rich moomin lady in a bra staring at herself in a mirror looking unhappy.

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7th may 2025

i feel so bad i just want something that takes it away. i had a bunch of different dreams and almost all of them included one or more of my teeth falling out. like breaking off the root and falling off like squares of teeth and then magically being in my mouth again for the next scene. it hurt a lot. one time i held a tooth in my hand and it was all black and wet and gross and so sharp it cut into my palm and i started bleeding everywhere. it reminded me of the basilisk’s tooth stabbed into tom riddle’s diary in harry potter.

in my dreams there was a god i was supposed to catch with a poke ball and cosplayers in a back room of some university and my cousin hugging me when another tooth fell out. both of us were sobbing hysterically and sonny and my teachers were there and my arms were bleeding because i had scurvy or something which caused all my healing cuts and scars to reopen and at one point when my tooth fell out again i lay down on the ground of some running field and cried. then i was carrying half-asleep neighbour girl around our old school and wanting to kiss her and then i don’t know what happened or what i did but i know it was something and then i woke up and now my teeth and gums hurt and i feel so bad.

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9th may 2025

neighbour girl is gone for two days. i miss her in the way i miss people when i cannot have them. there is a big difference between missing someone knowing you can see them again and missing someone knowing they are gone. she is not gone but i am good at convincing myself she is anyway. i am so scared of losing her. i am terrified of saying something wrong and making her not like me anymore. i miss her and i crave her and i love her and i need her vape. it’s killing me. i think i am falling in love with her. it’s killing me. come back please. come back. please.

i start to feel sick with missing her so i walk up to her house to see her sister. their dad opens the door for me and says ‘hello’ and ‘she is downstairs in her room’ like me being there, again, is natural and nice and wanted. we sit on her bedroom floor and watch a david attenborough documentary about spiders, and then she gets up to get dressed and i go pee and look for a long time at an old picture of her and neighbour girl in gran canaria on a shelf above the toilet. i wander around the house and let their cats rub against my ankles and look at things. the round mirror in the hallway and the plush rocking chair and the photographs and plants and shoes and dust and coffee cups and calendar. there is something beautifully melancholy in all of it. something so overwhelmingly beautiful in the simplicity of a house, a home, a life. something so sad about things never being exactly what they seem or what you want them to be.

neighbour girl’s sister needs new shoes so she asks me if i want to come with her and her mother to buy a pair. first she makes herself a bowl of cereal for dinner while i sit on the kitchen floor telling her about my favourite book and which feelings i would like to capture in my own book if i write one. sitting there on the floor while she pours milk over her cereal is exactly the kind of feeling i want to capture in my own book. she says in the future she wants the city and cats and nice shoes and love and freedom. she says she will see how her life unfolds. i say that is how it’s done. i say she’s amazing. she smiles and eats her cereal.

before we leave she passes me a pad through the gap between the bathroom door and the floor. we laugh. we lock the front door and get in the car. her mother drives and they talk about nothing everything and i sit in the backseat resting my forehead against the cool window while fiona apple’s cover of frosty the snowman plays in my head. we park in a parking garage and walk out and immediately the streets smell of city. hot food and tobacco and coffee and lavender. the sidewalks are decorated with nicotine pouches and cigarettes and gum and spit and bird poop. the still sea laps at the rubber tires along the docks. walls are bathed in the soft evening glow. i feel so much more at home here.

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10th may 2025

i feel tired and sad and happy and lovesick and overwhelmed and terrified and everything all at once, but far-away too, like i’m just floating somewhere else watching me feel things instead of actually feeling them. what i feel strongest is falling more and more in love with a straight girl and craving ketamine and appetite suppressants and love and kisses and art and nicotine. missing my beautiful straight girl with her box dyed hair and pale freckled skin and lipstick and sweet perfume and low mellow voice and vape and ecstasy. what i feel most strongly is love, i guess, always.

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11th may 2025

saw neighbour girl again today finally. i walked to her house at 8.10pm. when i got there she was in the shower so i sat in the living room with her little brother watching spongebob for a while. he asked their dad if he could have milk in his sippy cup and then went all nervous and asked me to please don’t laugh at him for still drinking from his sippy cup. i think you are never too old to drink from a sippy cup. he’s gorgeous.

me and neighbour girl went down into her room and she broke down telling me how she had cut her hair again and it turned out terrible and how her mother had found her new snapchat user because she forgot to delete her call history and how she’s exhausted and everything sucks. we lay on her bed passing her vape back and forth while i promised her her face is so beautiful she fits every hairstyle and it will grow back out and it will all be okay eventually.

we went up into the bathroom where she blowdried and brushed her hair while i sat on the floor scrolling tumblr. she was torn. she liked one side of her bangs and hated the other and liked the length but missed her long hair. i told her she looks gorgeous always and she smiled and said thank you really sweetly and quietly.

she organized her makeup drawer while i sat on her bed. her room was cleaner than usual. she has a bunch of random posters and signs and papers she has stolen from different places on her wall. one poster from a bus saying to please keep your feet on the floor and one of those head pillow things from go-ahead nordic trains and some stickers from her nicotine pouch boxes and a pulp fiction poster and a pretty artsy japanese sakura tree poster and a no smoking sign and a stop sign and a print of kurt cobain. then she came over and lay in bed beside me again. again she said she’s so tired. i asked her if she would like to go to sleep. she let me have another puff of her vape and said yes to come with me to the city tomorrow and hugged me goodbye and looked tired and sad and gorgeous and put her vape into her bra and went back into the bathroom to brush her teeth.

i was going to go to bed too but the mess in my room was suffocating me so i had to sort it out first and then i ended up finding the easter egg with the protein bars and folded piece of paper my cousin made me. on the paper she wrote a story about a girl named iris following a map to find an easter egg her cousin had hid for her. inside the egg iris finds a folded piece of paper on which this same story is written. i read it three times and started crying. i am so so incredibly lucky to have her in my life. i love her so much.